Updated February 8, 2019
In the first post of this series, we talked a bit about the importance of our thoughts. Today, I want to pick back up on that theme; however, instead of paying attention to what we should think, I want to make you aware of some key words you need to watch out for in your thoughts if you want to reduce and stop negative thoughts (especially when those thoughts are directed to ourselves). After all, as humans, we are usually our own harshest critic. You’re probably familiar with that inner voice in your head that is severely critical of you. If you want to move forward toward your self-development goals, you absolutely must watch out for negative self-talk.
What Are “Negative Words”?
Let’s start by going over some of the words that should give you pause and check if you’re slipping into negative thinking. They include words like no, don’t, won’t, can’t, shouldn’t, and the likes. This is a short list of the most important ones.
You probably have a few of your own words that you use when you start to slip into negative thoughts. As you start to pay attention to your thought processes, you’ll recognize the words that are particularly important to you. Make a note of them and add them to the short list above.
Context Matters
Of course, context matters. Sometimes thinking and saying “no” can be a very positive thing. The idea is to treat them as stop words. When they come across your mind, stop and examine if you’re still on track or if you’re slipping into negative thought processes. This gives you the control you need to literally change your mind. Start by becoming more aware of the thoughts running through your mind, particularly when you start to “hear” these negative words. Stop and figure out if you are using them in a positive, negative, or neutral context.
Turning Negative Words into Positive Ones
When you do find yourself using those negative words and catch yourself with those negative thoughts, it’s time to take action and do everything you can to turn a negative into a positive. Let’s say you find yourself doubting your professional abilities; you hear about a fun new project at work and catch yourself thinking that you “can’t” do that. It’s time to turn that around and change your thinking process from “I can’t do that” or “I don’t know everything there is to know about this project” to “I know how to do parts A, B, and C and I know I can learn part D”.
The same goes for any other negative thoughts you have, including self-image ones, self-worth ones, relationship thoughts, and the likes. Instead of beating yourself up because the house isn’t perfectly clean, focus on the fact that you spent a fun afternoon at the park with the kids or that you now have the perfect opportunity to work on practicing chores with the little ones, and get everyone involved in house cleaning tasks.
Overcoming Negative Self-Talk
Take Note
In order to break the habit of putting yourself down, you must first be aware of when you’re doing it and why. Try to pay attention to the times throughout the day when you feel badly due to a message you’ve delivered to yourself. You will usually be alerted to these instances by the way in which your body reacts. For example, some people feel muscle tension in their shoulders when they begin to feel angry or stressed. When you notice a symptom such as this, make an attempt to determine what you’re feeling and what has led to the feeling. In some cases, it may be an outside source such as a comment made by a colleague, but often the emotion could be caused or exacerbated by your own internal negative messaging and reaction to an outside event. Write these things down for at least a week, and then look for patterns such as triggers or situations surrounding your negative self-talk.
Go Easy
Advising you to take it easy on yourself may seem like simplistic advice, but you absolutely must start to cut yourself some slack if you want to overcome the toxic habit of delivering self-limiting messages. It might help if you consider whether the things you’re saying to yourself are words you would share with someone you love. Chances are pretty good that you never would do such a thing. You probably strive to be kind and supportive of the people in your life. Why not try the same strategy when talking to yourself?
Check In
It’s easy to convince ourselves we’re not worthwhile or that we have some fatal flaw. During times when you’re feeling especially down on yourself, reach out to friends or family for a reality check. Checking in with the people who care about you can remind you of all your positive qualities and that you’re simply having a fragile moment, which is a very human thing. Listen to what others say to you during these times without argument or objection. These people are in your life for a reason. If they didn’t think highly of you, they wouldn’t stick around. Trust their judgment.
Note the Positive
Everyone has good things about them. Yes, even you. Though you may be resistant, force yourself to write down at least ten positive traits, skills or characteristics about yourself. It can be a physical feature, a talent or something unique about your personality. Just keep going until you’ve developed a list of ten items. Refer to this list any time you’re feeling bad about yourself for a little pick-me-up when you need it most. Challenge yourself to add to your list regularly. If you do, it won’t be long before you may actually believe yourself.
In closing, overcoming negative self-talk requires patience and dedication. It’s not easy to move past a lifetime of toxic messaging. It is, however, a much-needed step on your road to self-fulfillment.
Call to Action: Choose 1-2 techniques to overcome negative self-talk. Keep a journal to document your progress.
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